Beauty Parody – Penny’s Top 12 Mountaineering Beauty Essentials

Some time ago a good friend of mine told me she was going to climb Mount Everest. The conversation went something like this:

Good Friend: I’m going to climb Mount Everest.


Good Friend: No really, I started a facebook group, wanna join?

Me: Lol, sure.

Good Friend: Great, well first we’ll be flying out to Nepal because the base camp is/

Me: Wait, you’re not joking?

Good Friend: …No?

Me: Okay, you should probably count me out then.

Yeah, I didn’t go.

Hello Everest, let's make a deal. You don't climb me, I don't climb you.

Hello Everest, let’s make a deal. You don’t climb me, I don’t climb you.

Personally, I have nothing against sports and hiking etc, I quite enjoy but if I had to personify our relationship I’d say we’re more than acquaintances but not quite on constantly speaking terms. So, knowing NOTHING about sports/camping/climbing Mount Everest but really really wanting to support a good friend in her impressive endeavours I struggled for a long time to think of a suitable gift to give her to encourage her on her trip. Then I hit upon it… I will write.

Today’s post is basically a re-write of the parody beauty article I wrote for her before she left. I say it’s a parody but truth be told I’m quite proud of how useful I actually think it is. I would totally take these beauty tips if I was going mountain climbing… that’s a market most people haven’t thought of, the mountaineering beauty market.

Penny’s Top 12 Mountaineering Beauty Essentials

Haven’t we all been there? That terrible moment when you’re in the middle a mountain and you remember you forgot your lipstick in your other bag and it’s 5000miles away?

Or what about that instant we realise our best tube of mascara has frozen solid on our climb up, thus totally ruining what would have otherwise been a perfect ‘I’ve reached the peak of the mountain’ glam shot?? I’ve definitely endured the long hard nights of having to defrost my perfume in my sleeping bag… but with these 12 amazing (and practical) beauty essentials you’ll never need to worry on your climb to the mountain top ever again! If you can’t pack everything or have your makeup bag air-lifted to you every morning from the base camp, I suggest you pay attention to packing all of these:

1) Dry Shampoo!

I LOVE dry shampoo, seriously, are you familiar with what this is? It’s like in an aerosol can and you spray it like you’d spray deodorant, except you spray it into your hair! Without water and in just a few sprays (spray straight into your scalp) then brush your hair to brush out the powder and all the oil/grime/dirt is GONE.

I know you’re probably thinking you don’t care about how your hair looks while climbing a mountain but think again. Wouldn’t it be annoying to have greasy hair and an itchy scalp all during the climb up?! Trust me girl, the showers will be scarce up there. And an oily fringe would totally ruin any cool mountain-climbing action shots that I know you’ll want to be taking (why climb a mountain if not for a cool facebook photo pic?).

2) Anti-perspirant Deodorant

Remember how I said showers would be scarce? When I said ‘shower’ I actually mean ‘liberal all-over-the-body spray with deodorant’.

3) Baby Powder or Talcum Powder (will work as a substitute for 1 and 2)

Just in case it’s a bad idea to bring aerosols up into a mountain (the change in altitude/pressure etc might make the pressurised cans react strangely) just bring talcum powder. It will do exactly the same thing as above. Pour it into your socks, underwear, on armpits and rub into your scalp, it’s basically a dry shower. I heard they use this in the army.

4) Face Wipes

You could lug your bottle of facial cleanser up with you (don’t tell me you weren’t going to bring one?? Who wants to deal with break-outs while mountaineering?), bring a pack of make-up removal face-wipes, it will take all the oil and dirt off. The face gets its own special wipes because your face is one area you wouldn’t want to clean by just using baby powder.

By the way, if you could get yourself to some mountain spring with water chock-full with all those minerals beauty companies always say they’ve added to their products and manage to wash your face with that, that’d be pretty cool. Oh and after you do, could you write me a review? Thanks.

5) Hand Moisturiser

No matter how soft and moisturised your hands normally are, I can assure you that once you’re in the biting cold of a mountain snow-scape they would begin to crack and chap. Sure, hands might not be top on your priority list because you can just cover them up with a stylish pair of gloves (goodness knows the mountain weather warrants it!) but just imagine if you were in chilling wind and biting cold and hanging off of a precipice for dear life… you wouldn’t want to have the added pain of bleeding, chapped hands at that crucial moment!!! Worse still, the thought of maybe dying with a pair of badly groomed, un-manicured hands (no nail polish sorry, they’d be frozen solid). So bring a hand moisturiser… This can also double-up for feet moisturiser in a pinch.

The moment when you really wished you'd moisturised your hands.

The moment when you really wished you’d moisturised your hands.

6) Face Moisturiser with SPF

Same reason as the hand moisturiser!! You don’t want to deal with the painful, dry face (or to die with a cracked face). Apply this right after using one of those trusty face wipes. And please, please, please make sure that your moisturiser has SPF, those bad UV rays that hit us all the way down here aren’t going to get any kinder the closer we get to the sun.

7) Lip Balm with SPF

You lips will crack, so bring 2 tubes/tubs of lipbalm with SPF (2 because chances are you will drop/lose one and while I might rappel all the way back to the base of a mountain to rescue my favourite lip balm I thought anyone else would). If you bring a tinted one, watch the guys in your group squirm with discomfort when they realise they really need lipbalm (they won’t pack it) but don’t want to use one that is ‘girly’… No joke, I observed this first-hand when I was hitch-hiking a couple years back and a friend of mine with painfully chapped lips said he would rather live with the pain than use my very slightly tinted lipbalm. Maybe it was because it was in a pink case?

I’ll recommend Kiehl’s for this, it’s a very heavy-duty moisturising one.

8) Vaseline (this will work as a substitute for 5, 6 and 7)

Vaseline works as a good moisturiser and also protects your skin. You can even rub it on your lips to act as a lipbalm. Tadah, all in one solution. But I’d prefer to bring my tinted lipbalm all the same.

9) Think: Contacts or Glasses?

If you’re someone with bad eyesight, bring your glasses along just in case and maybe get one of those ultra touristy-looking spectacle fastener-type bands to secure it around your head. I am imagining you making your way up a precipice (the same one on which it was crucial you had your hands moisturised) and your glasses falling off into a deep ravine at the crucial moment!!

If you’re gonna wear contacts, of course remember to bring lots of eye drops. It might be very dry up there. Bring spare contacts too and check that your contacts solution etc won’t freeze, unless you don’t mind thawing it out every morning. If they’re soft-lens make sure the contacts themselves won’t freeze in your eyeballs. That would be harder to thaw out.

10) Sunglasses

I know what you’re thinking, I’m trying to stick in a bling-bling un-needed accessory. No! Sunglasses are essential to ward off Snow Blindness. So bring a good pair of shades that will be secure/comfortable on your face (you’ll probably want to secure these with a band too). I’ve seen some more sporty-looking goggles type sunglasses, don’t people wear those to go skiing or something? That would be infinitely more practical. But not so pretty.

11) Disposable Toothbrushes/Chewable Oral Hygiene Tablets

Disposable toothbrushes are tiny brushes that are individually packed and that already contain toothpaste and are single use (you don’t really need water, just brush and spit). Chewable tablets clean your teeth with just you chewing them. Against the blinding white snow your teeth might look not-so-white, which would utterly spoil your triumphant top-of-the-mountain victory grin.

12) Finally… bring a hairbrush, hairbands/ties/clips to keep the hair out of your face for that crucial moment you’re clinging off the side of a cliff (yes, that same precipice we’ve mentioned twice already) and suddenly your fringe blows into your eyes (AHHHHHHH).

And there’s a whole host of other things you could bring that would be useful, like scissors, band-aids, feminine sanitary products, enough changes of underwear etc etc the list goes on but I’ve listed really just what are my top beauty essentials.

Okay, that’s it! So go have fun climbing your mountain and if that list was too long for you just remember one thing: don’t fall.



No really, don't fall. You'll probably lose all your beauty products.

No really, don’t fall. You’ll probably lose all your beauty products.

Share your own sporty beauty tips in the comments below!

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